I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
