I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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