We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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