I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
