WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
