she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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