just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
