Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
