btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
