i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
