I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
