Yo dont text me then not text me
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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