i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
