After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
