I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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