Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
