a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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