he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
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Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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