ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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