you have to choose: penises or morals?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
