Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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