i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
