Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
