if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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