69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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