You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
