i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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