Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How does one acquire holy water?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
