So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
