My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
And my parents said I crawled through the house
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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