took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
