believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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