Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
