I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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