He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Boobs are out for the taking
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
