so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
