Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
