yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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