Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
