they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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