What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
