On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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