dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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