Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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