fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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