Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
