proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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