just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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