**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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