So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
