I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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