There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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