What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I deserve this hangover.
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