i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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