At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
