Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
