dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
