his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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