it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When did angry sex become our thing?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
