How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
